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Monday, February 19, 2018

The Uses of Euphony



[ This essay appeared online in The Vocabula Review in August, 2005. I've revised it a bit here. --JK]




W
e like to believe we say what we mean, we serious people, with an exact grasp of denotation. But the truth may be that we choose our phrases first for sound, letting meaning sift in rather casually.

Infants understand this. During the first year, while nonverbal cries, smiles, frowns, gestures, and eye contact suffice for all substantive communications, their real language development begins as a love affair with pure sound. The spontaneous crib talk that charms grownups in all cultures has a vital purpose: it allows babies to explore their own sound-making and sound-detecting abilities while they tune in to the phonological system of what will soon be their native language. Parents pace and fret, eager for the first dispatch from the great beyond that is baby’s consciousness: “C’mon, Brittney, say ‘Daddy’; say ‘car’; say ‘transmogrify.’”

But Brittney knows instinctively that meaning will wait. What really matters is phonology, the essential foundation on which everything else will be built. So she goes on patiently babbling, guided only by her pleasure in rehearsing the basic sounds and sound combinations she hears around her. Such practice is one of the best educational investments she will ever make, helping her attain the perfect native pronunciation that forever eludes those who learn a second language as adults.  (Think of Fareed Zakaria, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Guillermo del Toro, Yoda.)

When the words finally do start to emerge from the stream of babble, they seem as doubtful as faces in the clouds. We might not count them as words at all, except that culture seems to force the issue, taking the sounds baby is most likely to make anyway and assigning the least unlikely meanings to them. Hence in language after language we get Dada or something like it for the father, Mama or something like it for the mother, and Baba or something like it for the little one herself. Sound comes first. Once the syllables are there, reliably produced and distinguished, we can begin to hang meanings on them — but not before. 

It is, of course, always a question of multiple meanings. Words are just like that: endlessly recyclable, always ready to surprise us by saying something they have never quite said before. Humpty Dumpty is wrong when he tells Alice, “When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean,” and offers the example of making “glory” mean “there’s a nice knock-down argument for you.” But his error is only one of degree. What a word can mean is roughly stipulated by the culture, but what it does mean in a particular instance depends on all the particularities of context, on a creative and personal  collaboration between speaker and listener. All this is true from the very beginning, by the nature of the case, and so before long it occurs to Brittney that the dog is a type of Mama, and she points and says so. We laugh, but know to at least a first approximation what she means: “This, too, is a large, pleasant creature whose purpose is to amuse and take care of me.”

Let’s take a moment to emphasize this initially arbitrary, wide-open quality of words. A cardinal feature of human language, everyone notices, is the way we combine and recombine sounds meaningless in themselves to make infinite combinations, laying the groundwork for what becomes a huge lexicon with amazing conceptual reach and subtlety. The word “fish” consists of three sounds, none of which has any meaning in itself, but that is exactly the key. If the lush sh by itself had meant “fleeting silvery good-to-eat lives-in-water thing,” it could never be used in other combinations; but this way, the phoneme can play an indispensable role in composing thousands of different words.

So far so familiar; but less often noticed is that, even when you have fish, you are still a long way from really determinate meaning. Are we including crayfish and silverfish? How about whales and dolphins? Do we mean a particular one, a school, or a class? What of the fact that it can be not a creature at all, but an action, and shouldn’t fishing logically be called defishing? What about metaphorical extensions like big fish, cold fish, fishing in her purse, and so on? What if I turn the word into an adjective, with a reasonable expectation that fishy must mean “edible and nourishing”? All such matters await resolution in particular contexts. Fish as it sits there in the dictionary, atop a dozen glosses, is mainly a blob of potential, a vague sketch.

But a better way of putting it is that the word by itself is a sort of atom whose true potential is not realized until it enters various combinations. In effect, the original trick of “coherent arbitrariness” at the phonemic level gets repeated at the lexical level, with a similarly handsome payoff. Just as sh means nothing in itself, but comes to mean a great deal when it is the sound that distinguishes fish from fin, so fish itself becomes meaningful mainly as it is put into harness with other words: the fish is already a huge step toward determinacy, and the fish you ate last night seems perfectly clear for all ordinary purposes, though a philosopher could still argue various uncertainties. Like the phoneme, what the word has initially is not meaning, so much, but just identity, a place in the system. As long as everyone hears it as something different from fin, fib, fix, flush, and so on, we’re good to go: meaning can come in later, rather gradually.

So on top of phonological indeterminacy, we have lexical indeterminacy; and then much the same thing happens again at the phrasal level. As foreign language students always learn, a huge portion of the phrases most indispensable to any language count as “idioms”: combinations whose meanings are not really the sum of their parts, but surprising leaps sustained by special sub-conventions. Try explaining any of the following to a child or a foreigner: self-published book, well-read man, graveyard shift, bald-faced lie, home in on, stand us in good stead, life insurance, sea-change, doughnut holes, thought better of it. The words and their dictionary definitions, in such cases, put you on the road to meaning but do not take you very far.

A corollary of all this vagueness and apparent confusion is that speech is no rote process, but endlessly personal and creative: less a matter of finding the exactly right words, more of taking the words that are handy and making them say what we want, with a celerity that makes Humpty-Dumpty seem basically right after all. The lexicon and implicit grammar of the language provide tools and raw material, but the rest is always up to you.

But the slack in the system, the incompleteness and indeterminacy, means that the genie of sound has endless room and need to go back to work. Since there will always be numerous ways to phrase any given thing, the hunt for appealing sounds can go on endlessly. The babbling stage never really ends, but becomes a powerful undercurrent in everyday usage, playing against the need to select words for denotation. In the case of things that must be said repeatedly, we regularly fuss and fiddle till we arrive at something more or less musical. Consider:

            drunk as a skunk
            pig ignorant
            bully pulpit

Skunks, of course, do not drink, nor is their behavior especially erratic. True, they resemble drunks in having a strong smell, and one can argue for a certain kind of connotative precision here. Unquestionably, though, the simile’s main raison d’etre is the repetition of unk. Having been said once, that coda is already handy, so to speak, and can be pronounced with appreciably less effort than a new set of two or three phonemes. “Pig ignorant,” likewise, has nothing to justify it on semantic grounds — swine are actually rather intelligent, as barnyard animals go — but survives due to the jingly doubling of “ig.” Why, though, is that phrase so much less current than “drunk as a skunk”? Leaving aside the awkward dragooning of a noun to serve as an adjective, the reasons are mainly musical. The doubling of “ig” is slightly difficult to execute, forcing a pause as your voice finds its way back up from the deep-in-your-throat “guh” to the high-in-your-mouth “ihhh,” and then the rhythm trails off weakly: //uu. The overall effect is that the rhyme has fired prematurely. By contrast the first, more popular phrase skips along nicely, with the “kuh” opening pretty easily into the “ahh,” helped along by an easier rhythm: /uu/. However barren intellectually, drunk as a skunk can be exclaimed with gusto, like any good slogan. Rhyme, that old recycling project, lends it not just ease and economy, but emphasis and what in a poem we would call structure, a kind of wholeness or spatiality that makes it easier to construe and remember.

As for bully pulpit, it shows an extreme case: something we say mostly for the jangly fun of it, tolerating rank uncertainty as to meaning. When Theodore Roosevelt coined the phrase, a rare feature of his preppy idiolect was that bully meant cool, rad, bitching, phat, awesome, and so on. He meant only that the presidency was a really bitchin' pulpit. But ever since then the phrase, phonologically perfect but grammatically perplexing, has mostly evoked confused associations with bullying, as in the schoolyard. People who use the expression are either itching for a chance to explain it, or intend a sort of punning malapropism.

How common is this quest for euphony, this natural selection and evolution of phrases on aural and aesthetic grounds? Surely it is almost universal, if by “euphony” we mean not just superficial prettiness, but overall ease and efficiency of articulation. Other things being equal — though granted, they never quite are — we prefer economy to prolixity, easy transitions to hard, regular rhythms to irregular, and above all, re-using the same sounds to hunting up new. We English teachers like to speak of alliteration, assonance, and rhyme, especially in poetry, as if they were magic adornments somehow added on after the phrase was already (but how could it be?) complete. But what a musical phrase really accomplishes, very generally speaking, is a reduction or simplification to as few sounds as possible, though ipso facto those few are then recurrent and numerous. If substance is not too badly mangled, the result is a special ease and rightness, a partial return of denotative speech to the happy fluency of babble. There is nothing trivial about such accomplishments; as every editor, engineer, or accountant knows, when you achieve x more easily, you have energy left over to accomplish y. To get a thing said easily is a first step toward saying more, and the aesthetics of speech, like other kinds of aesthetics, concerns long-range efficiency quite as much as momentary pleasure.


E
xamples of the hunt for music are so numerous that the hard thing is knowing where to begin. With simple initial alliterations[1] like rough and ready, chump change, tried and true, watching and waiting, or bad to the bone? With terminal alliteration, as in weak link? With subtler assonance, as in Holy Moses, snow cone, itchy fingers, bad actor, gay blade, long haul, guy wire, all gone, saving grace, right mind, or (in a coinage from a women’s magazine) cleavage wielding? With fully rhymed expressions like big rig, leaner and meaner, boob tube, humdrum, fair share, or pooper scooper?  With sneaky muted half-rhymes like money hungry, mad as a hatter, heir apparent, or big picture? With minimal pairs like tall tale, bee’s knees, sad sack, flip flop, and ship shape?

 Or perhaps with a list of brand names, selected for their mnemonic force after marathon meetings and extensive field tests:

            Coca-Cola
            Roto-Rooter
Band-Aid (note terminal alliteration and b/d synergy)
            Glad Bags
            Pizza Hut (with a t lurking in the z)
            Pepto-Bismol (mild assonance and  p/b synergy, but above all a forced, trochaic rhythm)
Or with the titles of books, movies, and TV shows:
            Dialing for Dollars
            Hogan’s Heroes
            Beauty and the Beast
            The Grapes of Wrath  (an iambic beat and subtle gr/wr synergy)
            Catch Twenty-Two (four ts in four syllables, and a total of five aspirated consonants)
Or with proverbs and mnemonics, clinching their wisdom with catchy rhythms and salient echoes:
            First deserve, and then desire.
            A stitch in time saves nine.
            A friend in need is a friend indeed.
            A miss is as good as a mile
            Spare the rod and spoil the child.
            Neurons that fire together, wire together.
            I before E, except after C, or when sounded as A, as in neighbor and weigh
Such fish can be shot by the dozen in any half-full barrel of English; so let’s hurry on to subtler examples. Stare at an unobtrusive, sturdy little idiom like small talk, and you soon spot the quiet rhyme that makes it so serviceable. Granted, the phrase is appealing on semantic grounds; the unexpected yoking of the tangible and the intangible works like a metaphor, achieving a fine expressive edge, and like any catchphrase this one performs a valuable service in reducing a complex concept to shorthand. But that compression is largely arbitrary, a matter of secondary convention attaching after the aural feat is done. The full meaning —  “inconsequential conversation, made in a nervous or desultory manner, often in a nearly explicit effort to evade larger issues” — arises only in the most preliminary sense from the separate meanings of small and talk, which is why the phrase usually has to be explained to foreigners and youngsters. (Someone guessing, as all speakers must frequently do, might reasonably conclude that the phrase meant whispering, or a  very short conversation, or the opposite of big talk.) One might say that small talk is a word in its own right: a fetching sound first conjured up for its own sake, to which meaning is then assigned, almost arbitrarily, in due course.

Or take politically correct, a coinage that has been current for perhaps three decades. (Some of us can remember the dark days when we had to make do with far less snappy circumlocutions.) The soul of the phrase, no doubt, is the dead-on irony with which it nails the contradiction between generous political visions and the fussy enforcement protocols they generate. But the rest of the success story has to do with sound: with the way the t and k (or “hard c”) of politically are caught up and echoed in correct, the way the p shares aspiration with the k (twice) and breath stoppage with both t  and k, the way the businesslike “short i” repeats twice, rapid fire, then relaxes into the longer vowels of k’lee and ko, and the way the l flitters through the first word, then returns in drag, as the r of correct.

Once you get started, it’s hard to stop. We would probably call crossdressing something else if not for the pleasant sibilance and the cr/dr synergy of that expression. (There is transvestitism, of course, but notice: three s’s, three t’s.) Tie-dying might never have been the fad it was if the term were not so deliciously convenient to say, with a mere flick of the tongue distinguishing the first syllable from the second. A bounce house, hired out for  street fairs and birthday parties, has evolved rapidly from its forebear the inflatable house on the strength of economy, near rhyme, and the long, spondaic, virtually onomatopoetic bounce from one syllable to the next. Yet none of these expressions strikes us as self-consciously poetical or literary; the music sits there quietly at its oar, just doing its job.  

A problem with the terms assonance and alliteration, and with our rough-and-ready habit of speaking of “s sounds,” “e sounds,” and so on, is that orthography catches aural effects quite imperfectly. The two s’s in Says are actually different (though similar) sounds; the o of trolley is less like the o of only than the a of father. Slips on the ice is more alliterative than it looks, if one allows a combination of initial and terminal sibilance. But even a much more exacting code, like the International Phonemic Alphabet that linguists use, would fail to catch many of the subtler dynamics of euphony; for often what matters is not the echoing of whole phonemes, but of their “features” or constituent qualities. Sounds that are similar but not identical can reinforce each other, like the p and b of pop bottle — or the p and the t, similar in a different way an effect I have been calling “synergy.” There are, in other words, all different degrees of alliteration and assonance, rather few of which are honored in transcription

For a quick, rough example, take buzzsaw. Nothing in the transcription of the first syllable reveals any repetition, but a single feature, voicing — that hum you make down in your throat — carries through b, u, and zz, making the combination just a touch easier to execute, if I have not had too much coffee this morning, than (let’s say) bush or bus or puzz would be. Voicing then ceases with the s of saw, but here two new features carry through, the tongue staying in the same position and the breath making the same leaky hiss as we proceed from z to s, two closely similar sounds of course, both classed as “alveolar fricatives.” Notice again — this will be on the final — how moot the semantic aspect of the word is. Wheelsaw, roundsaw, whinesaw, screamsaw, or beltsaw would make as good logical sense, but those are unstable compounds and break down with repeated pronunciation. Once we hit on buzzsaw, though, we like it and we keep it. (Circular saw is about equally current, but sibilance is a big part of the reason.)

Alliteration, assonance, and their combination into rhyme seem to be just the most obvious instances of a surprisingly persistent drive to simplify and streamline speech, to optimize it for sayability, even at the cost of some forcing of dictionary definitions. When the genie of sound is especially busy and successful, the results can be uniquely memorable, as in advertising jingles and nursery rhymes:

                        To market, to market
                           To buy a fat pig;
                        Home again, home again
                            Jiggety-jig.

                        To market, to market
                           To buy a fat hog;
                        Home again, home again
                            Jiggety-jog.

The meaning is almost negligible, but the two little verses can be memorized on a single hearing. Try that with 30 words of prose. The secret lies not just in the repetition of phonemes, or in the accentual meter measuring out a steady two beats per line, or in the nearly verbatim duplication of the first verse in the second, but also in the way different phonemes resemble and reinforce one another. The whole “plosives” line on the linguist’s sound chart gets a systematic workout, with b, p, t, k, and g all salient and numerous, each with its little explosion of air. Not far away on the chart, breathy aitches come up in “home” and “hog,” with fellow “fricatives” j and f playing variations on the theme. Bilabiality comes up in “buy,” “pig,” and “market,” nasality in “market” and “again.” Voicing toggles on and off between the k of “market” and the g of “pig,” and between initial consonants in “pig” and “buy.” “Jig” forms minimal pairs with both “pig” and “jog,” and the shift from “jig” to “jog” features an easy move from a high-front to a low-back vowel, in conformity with the phonological rule that stipulates such sequences in terms like ping pong, flip-flop, and teeter-totter.

In such cases the urge to arrange sounds for their own sakes gets the upper hand all but completely, and we readily class the poem as “nonsense,” especially in the “jiggety” lines, where repetition reigns supreme and denotation goes off the radar. Hearing the babbling voice of infancy, devoted to sound-practice rather than meaning, we instinctively categorize the poem as for, and perhaps by, children.

But adult language, too, offers many instances of aural playfulness. In her essay “Ablaut Schmablaut,” my friend Valerie Collins discusses a wide range of “reduplicative” expressions in English — words or phrases like helter-skelter, mumbo-jumbo, criss-cross, mish-mash, razzle-dazzle, yo-yo, tut-tut, higgledy-piggledy, and many more. She notes that such “fun-motivated expressions” feel playful not because they ignore the usual rules but more because they rehearse the rules to excess, beyond what is really needed to form distinct, vivid words. “The central impulse for making these reduplicatives is form . . . the sound pattern is the primary motivation for the coinage.”

Reminiscent of crib talk, such terms have an archaic feel; their odd copiousness makes them seem vaguely unwordlike, not quite right for serious discourse. In principle if not quite in fact, the reduplicatives are relics of early play, left lying around the language the way abandoned toys might lie around a childhood home one still occupies as an adult. We don’t really need them, but for affection’s sake we grandfather them into the adult lexicon, granting a special exemption to the criterion of economy.

In any case, the drive for economy, which seems to yield alliterative expressions by way of sound reduction, is just one side of the coin; the other is the need for hearable distinctions, and at some point, it seems, variety rather than sameness becomes valuable for its own sake. Poetry texts nearly always include a caveat to the effect that alliteration can be overdone, accompanied by cautionary specimens:

            There ought to be capital punishment for cars
            that run over rabbits and drive into dogs
            and commit the unspeakable, unpardonable crime
            of killing a kitty cat still in his prime. [2]

            The little toy dog is covered with dust
            But sturdy and staunch he stands. [3]

            Horrendous horrors haunted Helen’s happiness. [4]
           
The lurch into bathos is unmistakable, but to my mind rather hard to account for. Why should so many other alliterative expressions flow by so unobtrusively and usefully in the stream of language, while these nonce-works annoy and perplex? The sheer concentration of repeated sounds does not seem to account for it, as there are specimens of great poetry where the frequency is as high. John Frederick Nims offers an example from Coleridge:

The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew,
The furrow followed free.
We were the first that ever burst
Into that silent sea. [5]

In the cautionary examples, it can be hard to separate the effect of alliteration itself from other musical problems, and from the general thick-headedness. Still it is noticeable, and curious, that bad alliteration is a vaguely quantitative proposition. Two, three, or four bs are fine, but the fifth turns all gain to loss.

One of my favorite rock lyrics of all time, from “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon, skates right up to this line between brilliance and bathos: “A little old lady got mutilated late last night.” Say it once, even without the tune, and you will say it a thousand times, but be sick of it and cursing my name long before you quit. Artful or awful? You decide.

My guess is that the recoil effect concerns not just ease of articulation, but another aspect of alliteration: structure. In euphonious language, repeated sounds help give a phrase what literary criticism used to call a “spatial dimension”: they frame it, solidify it, give it a certain wholeness and autonomy within the stream of speech. But too much spatiality leaves us spaced out and confused; the phrase we are making looms up too stark and static in the mind’s eye, and we become uncomfortably self-conscious of language as mere noise. Articulation takes the foreground, while reference or meaning falls away. The effect is especially noticeable in tongue twisters: “Rubber baby buggy bumpers” is not so much an enunciation problem as a processing problem: on the second or third go-round, your inner genie loses its place, unable to tell whether this particular b is the one in “rubber” or in “buggy.” Bad alliteration can be partly a numerical issue because it is a matter of reaching (or not) the limits of what your sound-processing systems can handle.  

And of course there are myriad other complications of and exceptions to the principle of euphony. The aesthetic impulse sometimes registers an unexpected preference for hard shifts over easy ones, unlike sounds over like, arrhythmia over a healthy beat, and even prolixity over economy. Sometimes difficulty is the point. The extra effort needed to spit out jackbooted thug or jumpin’ Jehosaphat is part of the meaning, a case of expressive form. Horse feces is rather easier to say than bullshit, even with the additional syllable, but fails to enchant partly because the whispery sibilants and squeaky vowels weaken what should be a pugnacious sentiment. A phrase like spontaneous combustion, fun to say but somehow a bit too fancy and self-admiring, features plenty of synergy but fails the test of economy. Mouth-filling PC terms like African American, developmentally disabled, and chairperson deliberately overburden the tongue and ear, the better to express (or flaunt) solemnity and contrition. Bad academic prose employs a whole arsenal of techniques aimed at securing a special, rather artful kind of unintelligibility that listeners will blame on themselves rather than the professor. Indeed, jargon of every kind makes a fetish of ugliness, by way of claiming special authority for the guild that uses it.

Thank goodness, then, for the poet’s “idiot fiddling with the sounds of things,” as Howard Nemerov called it. Thank goodness for the playfulness that preserves “the health of the language” if anything does. Earnest attempts to zero in on meaning have a way of arriving at preposterous contrivances —  shoulder prosthesis program evaluation officer protocol — while mere play quietly produces graceful, useful coinages that enrich everyone’s ability to make sense.  

Are we, then, the slaves of sound? Does the coincidence of like phonemes turn thought into channels it would otherwise avoid? Sometimes, no doubt, but not often. Most of us, most of the time, are intent on meanings that would have much the same shape and urgency no matter what phrasing we found. We are more apt to warp our phrases to fit them than vice versa, and the natural vagueness of language, its Humptydumptismo, makes this perfectly permissible up to a point. In any case the quest for euphony is more the culture’s than our own: not so much a matter of inventing on the fly as of sensibly relying, short of cliché, on the fruits of past creativity. The catchphrases lie there ready-made (indispensably so, for all of George Orwell’s misguided strictures against using them), and you choose the ones you need while letting the others alone. What makes it all possible is the great elasticity of words, the readiness with which they extend themselves by means of metaphor or irony, submitting to provisional definitions but then returning unscathed to their dictionary senses. We teachers urge students to use words “correctly” and “carefully,” and there is a good reason for this: we want to get them into the ballpark. But once inside, they can choose from thousands of seats.   

Terrible twos alliterates and is therefore a catchphrase in English, while terrible threes does not and is not. I suppose it’s possible that a parent in Chicago might therefore be more disposed to expect early tantrums than one in Barcelona. But to think that the phrase somehow prevents her from recognizing misbehavior in three year-olds, and from describing it in any of a thousand ways (e.g., mean threes) is plain silly. A few years back the Atlantic Monthly ran an article on “road rage,” which at that point the blatherskites on TV had been talking up into an “alarming trend.” The gist of the article, supported by various studies and statistics, was that there was no trend. What had happened was simply that the phrase had been coined and people liked to repeat it, creating the impression that the thing itself was on the increase. The episode shows our occasional tendency to be misled by the fun of a nifty phrase; but the existence of the article proves how readily thought recovers from such misadventures. The resources of English or any language are such that the thinkable is always sayable, but not dictated by it. If you know what you mean, you find a way to get it across.







Notes

[1]  The term is commonly restricted to the recurrence of consonant sounds at the beginnings of words, and somewhat less commonly extends to echoes at the beginnings of syllables even in mid-word. I use it more broadly still, to refer to consonant echoes in any position at all. That is, I include consonance, sometimes calling it terminal alliteration, in order to have a generic term. 
[2] McKuen, Rod.  “Thoughts on Capital Punishment.” In X.J. Kennedy, An Introduction to Poetry, 7th ed. Glenview, Illinois: Scott Foresman, 1990: 252.
[3] Field, Eugene. “Little Boy Blue.”  <http://jsmagic.net/storylittleboyblue/>
Found 5 July 2005.

[4] Meyer, Michael, Poetry: An Introduction. Boston: St. Martin’s Press, 1995: 138. A made-up example, surely.

[5] Nims, John Frederick: Western Wind: An Introduction to Poetry. New York: Random House, 1974: 189. The poem is Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Dear Editor

[This was my completely tasteless response to the mass shooting in Oregon, a couple of years back, so many mass shootings ago that no one remembers anymore. The paper didn’t print it then, no doubt because they found it nasty, divisive, unconstructive, and unfair. But some things are so terrible that utter negativity is really the most constructive response possible. Yesterday’s slaughter in Florida belongs in that category, IMHO. Anyway, here it is. —  J.K.]

Dear Editor,  

In the wake of our most recent mass shooting, out in Oregon, I want to commend the National Rifle Association for their good work in the area of population control.

For many years now, the NRA has fought back even the mildest attempts to curb Americans’ proud freedom to own and use firearms. The NRA does not merely pay lip service to the Second Amendment; its lobbyists go out onto the free market and actually buy legislators, who then courageously vote down gun control bills of every kind, no matter what their constituents think. If legislators hold out and vote the wrong way, the NRA then targets them and pours money into their districts to defeat them in the next election. So far the NRA has not actually shot any non-cooperating lawmakers, but their resourceful, pro-active tactics have had much the same effect.  

Partly as a result of the NRA’s good work, America continues to have an exceptionally robust tradition of gun violence. Shootings now cause roughly thirty thousand deaths a year, putting the US on a par with places like Iraq and the Congo. Thirty thousand: that’s roughly a Korean War every year, a Vietnam every two years. Could there be a better program for curbing overpopulation?

In marked contrast to the US are countries like England and Australia, where draconian gun control has limited yearly fatalities to a tiny fraction of ours. Such policies put these countries, if they would only think about it, in grave ecological peril. In Australia particularly, recent legislation has brought the yearly kill down very sharply and unmistakably. You would not want to be an Australian in the twenty-second century: it is going to be CROWDED there. But America will continue to be the land of wide open spaces, if the NRA has anything to say about it.

A special advantage of Second Amendment fundamentalism, as a means of population control, is that it is so democratic and fair. You never know exactly when or where the next thrill-killer will strike (though you know for certain it will be somewhere). Thus everyone shares some of the risk, and some of the burden of relieving overpopulation.

Of course, gun control fanatics complain that too many of America’s shooting victims are children. It’s hard to get used to the idea of toddlers getting shot, as so often happens in homes that keep guns for protection of the family. But you have to consider that, from an ecological point of view, the younger the victims, the better. Shoot an eighty year-old, and you have decreased the population for only five to ten years. But shooting a youngster can lessen ecological pressure on the habitat for sixty, seventy, eighty years, or even more! As a solution to overcrowding and resource depletion, it just makes sense.


The National Rifle Association. Freedom to get shot. At random. Anywhere, any time. Join with me in applauding this proud old organization.