HELSINKI, FINLAND, July 16, 2018. Diplomats, officials, top aides, and members of the international press looked on in surprise as President Donald J. Trump interrupted a joint press conference to fellate his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin.
About four minutes into the Q/A segment of the controversial joint appearance, Trump was asked by Manni Gotcha of ABC News why he thought he could trust the Russian leader, who has committed political murders around the world and violated the sovereignty of numerous nations, including the U.S.
“Well, it’s hard to say,” Trump responded. “The thing with Pooty is, there’s just this relationship, this excellent relationship we have. And frankly, it’s a very good relationship, and in terms of international stuff, honestly, it’s always mostly the relationship that — here, let me just show you!”
With that, the U.S. President left his podium, crossed the distance to Putin in two swift strides, and flung himself to the floor. Throwing his arms around Putin’s waist, he mashed his face directly into the Russian president’s crotch and, a moment later, began undoing his belt buckle.
Several members of the U.S. Secret Service started forward in response to the unexpected action, along with two members of Putin’s security detail, but all stopped well short of reaching the podiums. After seeming to reassure themselves that neither leader meant to harm the other, the officers from the two nations nodded to one another, held up their palms hands-out, and stepped back.
Putin’s reaction, likewise, was initially guarded. Jumping back from Trump, he exclaimed something that was inaudible on the tape, but which one observer reported as, “Donny! Donny! Donny, no, not now!” But he quickly recovered and once again stood erect at the podium, seemingly unfazed though his pants were now down around his ankles.
Asked by a reporter from the Tribunski Moskva whether he would consider setting up a bilateral commission to oversee a proposed cease-fire in Syria, Putin replied through an interpreter, “Well, that’s, da, nyet, nyet, da, interesting, interesting, good idea, oh my, actually, gosh, please, oh boy, unbelievable, oh my god, oh my fucking god!”
Onlookers to the right of the podium, who had the best view of events, reported that Trump’s fingers were not quite long enough to encircle Putin’s hefty member. “But he made a really good effort,” added one. “He was almost there, you know?”
Following the meeting, reaction to the blowjob followed predictable partisan paths for the most part, but not entirely.
Vice President Mike Pence, who did not have a good view of the fellatio because his neck is frozen at an angle that keeps him staring into space, conceded that Trump’s action was “very surprising. But you know,” he added, “that’s what makes him such a ratings god. You never know what’s coming next, or in this case, who’s coming next.”
Nancy Pelosi, Minority Leader of the House, told the New York Times, “I’ve been saying for months that there’s something a little strange about those two, and now you see that I’m right. Their behavior today really was a little strange.”
She added that public fellatio was not a crime in California, but would be in many of the Southern states that form the heart of Trump’s base.
A report that Trump, at the height of passion, had disclosed his nuclear launch codes to Putin brought forth an angry denial from Mike Pompeo, U.S. Secretary of State. “My god, that’s just so typical of the way the president’s critics blow everything out of proportion. Blow, hee hee. Anyway, I was right there and heard everything. The president was only making incoherent gagging sounds, exactly the kind that are expected in such circumstances.”
Bob Corkit, a Republican senator who has sometimes broken with Trump, told the AP, “I found the President’s performance today truly disappointing.” Appearing to fight off tears, he explained, “I mean, it’s one thing when Republicans in Congress are doing this to the President himself, day in and day out, and no one’s denying that happens. But when the President does it to someone else? A foreigner? Well, you know, it just hurts.”
Contacted for a reaction, Mitch McCornhole, Senate Majority Leader, opined that, “Most Americans think that what consenting adults do in the privacy of a joint press conference is their own business. We need to get back to the issues that matter, like Hillary’s emails and Peter Strzok’s text messages.”
Asked whether Trump’s actions might constitute sexual harassment, McCornhole shot back angrily, “Oh my God, don’t start that garbage with me. Just look at the tape! Putin is loving every minute of it.”
After a pause he added thoughtfully, “Though it’s true our president takes the initiative, and is basically the top in the whole exchange even if he is on his knees. He didn’t let us down in that regard.”
Contacted for the reaction of evangelical voters, world-famous pastor Franklin Graham noted in a prepared statement, “Donald’s action today was certainly sinful, but God works in strange ways and chooses unlikely instruments for His missions. So it doesn’t surprise us that He has chosen as imperfect an instrument as Donald Trump to work His will in the world. In the same way, it doesn’t really surprise us to see Trump choosing Putin’s instrument to further his foreign policy, which our faith tells us will be a fount of miraculous blessings.
“In fact, several dozen pastors I’ve spoken to today regard the press conference as a direct fulfillment of biblical prophesy. It says in Revelations that ‘Gabriel will blow the Trump of Doom.’ Today was sort of the opposite of that, but otherwise a neat fit, and in our consensus view a positive ID.
“So Putin gets a blowjob, Trump gets a mulligan, and everything’s good.”
